NAIR/CHUHOBO IS AIRBORNE

So. We've come to the conclusion that Gossip Girl is a government program. It's a government conspiracy.

This is in all seriousness. We've made investigative research. First of all they had to reel you in. So they started out by making it THE HOTTEST NEW SHOW! So naturally every kid lacking a plaid skirt it going to want to watch. Every adult still suffering from Felicity & Dawson withdrawals is interested. A HOT new show. What can this mean? How can we NOT watch? Barbie's hair is so bouncy and new! That brunette is a bitch, like all brunettes must be! There's a soulful, cute guy (with a blank expression)! It's based on a BEST SELLER book (that everyone agrees to be crap) - it's money!

So it begins as they watch in their leather chairs as a generation of tech-savvy teens and women in their 20's start the addiction. It begins slowly... you're kinda rooting for Lonely-Boy (LB, enjoy your moment because it's just that A MOMENT) and you kinda dont like Blair and her ability to roll her eyes without Chuck's tongue in her ear (which we dont find this out until you're in S2 and by then on CRACK). So you keep watching. And THEN (and this is the BEST part) you hook up Blair/Chuck and OMFG is born. BECAUSE OMFFFFFG!! Limo-scene was hotter than your shorts in junior high (go easy on us, it was the 90's - not the same thing as the 80's). So by now you're an addict.

You've discovered there's people in the internet also rooting for Chair and though you still like Darena (NOTE: At this point the 'ship was still watchable and you've started daydreaming of shoving Vanessa down a drain pipe) it's Chuck's ability to be a bastard, a bastard in stupid bow ties and the hottest MOTHER FUCKER you've seen in 36 minutes that has you hooked. You want Blair's headbands and you even consider yourself a Queen B in your own little secret way that you only tell a few people. Preferably online.

You with me so far? Ok.

Now. You're bummed because of the STRIKE and when the show comes back it does seem like most people are on the KOOL-AID. Like Serena thinking she killed someone was completely under the influence. ALL THIS TIME you dont know you're about to be FUCKED and in a BIG way. We are defenseless little lambs.

So S1 ends and you think WHY, CHUCKKK, WHY?????

So this is when the government plan kicks in. You dont realize this yet but they are WATCHING. And by they I mean THEM and by watching I mean US. They are WATCHING US. MONTHS! Months we survive off spoilers, speculate about Chuck's mother, camp out in the Hamptons, nearly pass out when the Teen Choice awards roll around. etc. Yes, by now you're hooked and you've got a premiere countdown in your head. You compulsively read fanfiction and chat endlessly about all the ways Chair will be awesome when it comes back and you even ROOT for Nate/Serena because ANYTHING is better than judgy-mc-Danny.

We gobble up ALL the sneak peaks, the stills are released and it's UTOPIA. Or should I say? Chairtopia? THEN the season starts. And right away, if you're a careful observer, you will see we are all part of a giant government plan to see what is people's breaking point. It's all being used for commercial research you see, like the price of gas and how much people are willing to spend until they just CUT SHIT and let loose. This is GG (like Sparta)!!!

So then the roller coaster begins as we desperately try to explain all that happens that makes no sense - like Serena's boobs having stage directions ('and they elevate') or Nate being confused and ignoring Blair and kissing raccoons, and Chuck's throaty whispers of seduction, and Vanessa still being on the show. There's ENDLESS things that make no sense, not even to the writers.

So by now you're TRAPPED. You've gone on meds, you're checking spoilers at 4am, you listen to songs and they all remind you of Chair, you buy headbands, you find yourself weirdly attracted to Ed's greasy ways and JUSTIFY his hair. It's all madness! FUCKING MADNESS. By December you think Chuck/Blair are so in love that you can't see straight. You squeal for no reason, you start caring about no one else in the show, you imagine ways of murdering Lily, you think Bart was not so bad, if he had just hugged Chuck or bought him a purple argyle sweater once in a while he would've been #1 DAD! It's all too sad. And you SOB like an idiot when Chuck shows up in Blair's bedroom and you download the animation of it and watch it over AND OVER until it's embedded in your brain and you think this STORY IS EPIC! (you ignore pics of LADY DREADLOCKS and her slave because the thought of them together is visual Ipecac)

.... and then you quickly realize, as the new episodes come and pictures in the snow are plastered all over the Internet by EMOTIONALIST MULTI-SHIPPERS (yes, we still HATE YOU), that something is... off. But you try to stay calm. It's all for the greater good. Life will make sense once more. It's ok. It'll be no big deal. Like Jack. That came, scandalized and vanished into a cloud of cleverly edited promos... it'll be OK.

And now it's today. And you're like WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THE FUCKING WORLD, HAVE YOU ALL GONE MAD. Why is the Kool-Aid gone, BITCHES? IT'S BECAUSE WE FUCKING DRANK IT, that's why!!

So now we need anti-depressants, anxiety medication, pot, enemas, more sick days. You name it, we need it. So now you're asking yourself 'can I do this? can i watch it? why am i doing this to myself?'. It's a government conspiracy. They want to know how much a human being can stand, how much can they SUSTAIN before they just CUT SHIT. Just all out march to JS's door and STRANGLE the man as you ask him OVER AND OVER 'HANG IN THERE, MOTHERFUCKER, HANG IN THERE????!!'

So what do we do now? Now that we know we're in some sort of TANK. As they watch us. See us panic. Consider breakdowns. As they prowl the Internet enjoying our little bouts of tantrums. What do we do now? I dont know about you but all I can do it cut out LADY DREADLOCK'S head from recent pictures and paste Leighton's (all hail the queen!) head instead. That's right. I'm already in the FUCKING TANK. Fucking FINISH it. Now... I wonder if the boyfriend would mind a purple suit....

NOTE: this is not meant in anyway to encourage you to watch the CRACK-SHIT on Monday. I fear Nair/Chuhobo-love to be airborne and the one part of the experiment that has gone wrong.