damn, it feels good to be a GANGSTA!

THANK YOU! Yes. THANK YOU! WE APPLAUDE YOU, BUDDY TV, the last sane Media outlet. You deserve a FUCKING medal.

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Oh, Nate Archibald. Remember the days not so long ago in Season Two of Gossip Girl when all your scenes consisted of liner notes on other people’s scripts?

Nate exits. Nate re-enters, looks around the party, realizes no one cares. Nate exits.

Nate and Vanessa play “Heart and Soul” on the piano, giving each other mooneyes as Chuck descends the stairwell.

Chuck and Blair enter the hallway. Is that Nate in the background? Oh, no. That’s a mop. (yes, stop and laugh)

Nate and Vanessa make out in their private theater box while all the interesting stuff happens.

Well, no more bit-playing for you, young master Archibald. You’re back in the big time, baby! You’re the center of attention once more! The heartthrob! The man after which all the women are chasing nowadays! And, sorry… you’re also kind of a douchebag.

What’s that? You think you’re just being true to your heart? Let’s look back. In the last two episodes, you…

1. Planned an elaborate European summer vacation with your girlfriend, V, promised her a whirlwind romantic pierogi tour, and then canceled the next day, without telling her.
2. Canceled the trip to take an internship at the behest of your grandfather, with whom V basically forced you to reconnect.
3. Blamed V for getting upset, like she was trying to separate you from your family, and for being angry that you canceled, hid things, buckled under pressure, and did all those other Archibald-y things that you promised you wouldn’t do.
4. Stopped talking to V, and maybe cheated on her with your ex-girlfriend, B.
5. Let V ask you to dinner, told B how excited you were to get it over with, and then unceremoniously dumped V before appetizers.
6. Lied to V about wanting to get back together with B.
7. Pushed away B when she rightly assumed that you wanted to be with her, and told her you just wanted to be friends.
8. Accused V of being as cruel, manipulative, and troublesome as B, your “friend.”
9. Turned around and—surprise!—revealed that you do want to be with B as more than just friends.

Congratulations, Nate, you’re just one step shy of a full 10-step dickhead transformation! (yay!!! i want the transformation!)

I know it’s exciting to have this much drama in your life when your most grounding character trait used to be that you were just kind of a beautiful dummy. After all those backhanded remarks about how you have only ever voted for American Idol, how the only thing you read is Sports Illustrated, and how you haven’t changed your email password from “soccer” for seven years—doesn’t it feel good to be the cause of pain and the object of malice once more? You may be a tool, but at least you’re interesting again. And realistic! Like an actual high school guy, you are officially the most confused, insensitive, and shortsighted dude on Gossip Girl. Way to go. And you still got the girl. For now, anyway.

Just watch yourself, okay, Nate? There’s a fine line between interesting and insufferable--and it comes down to choice. If you're going to embrace your heritage--fine, be an Archibald: internship, elbow-patches, class-discrimination and all. If you're going to be the lovable but oh-so-dumb pretty boy with a heart of gold, go with that. But don't give the holier-than-thou to everyone in your path of self-discovery. We have a Dan Humphrey. And don't think you can treat B like a princess, and then like dirt, and then like a princess again... because we have a Chuck Bass (damn straight!). Just be Nate. Whatever that means.

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OUR HERO. WE SALUTE YOU, BUDDY TV. MARCH THE FUCK ON!

THAT is a brain OFF the Kool-Aid.